When I started this blog I had in mind to only post positive comments and trying (even though sometimes it had been more than hard) to see the good in all things. Not to give a false impression on my life or on who I am, but mostly as a reminder to myself that even in the hardest times, there are good things to embrace and get happy about.
Today I am not going to be that positive I guess. I have started school last Monday, I had one week completely free from work or school or what so ever, although not on the house chores, that is very hard to escape.
As I started getting ready on the course plannings, the things to do, what to read, ordering the books and so on I began to have this horribly choking feeling and all my thought seem to be floating in this deep and thick mist of question marks, deadlines, chapters, schedules. I have been literally choking for a whole week now. I wish I would only have work to worry about!
Somehow this semester everything became too much too soon and I felt my batteries were lightning red.
I shouldn't have taken so much this summer, I should have rested, I should have vegetated! There were times this summer when I just wanted to be put in an medically induced coma, and yet here I am, baking cinnamon rolls...
I think I have reached the point when I seriously ask my self "how on earth am I going to do this?" "Have I overestimated my strengths?" "have I been all this time trying to convince me that I can do it all and get out alive?" "fight, endure, hope, work, smile..."
I have to be honest with myself this time... I AM tired to the bone marrow! Where will I get the peace I so desperately need? Sleeping does not help, it is a little bit deeper than that... all this effectiveness, all this productivity, all this do, be, and then do some more and then be some more...And then I think about all those great women who do so much more than I do; they do more, are less tired, achieve more, look great all the time, family is functioning and everybody is happy and helpful... and I get so discouraged, and become so week, and feel sorry for myself because I try to convince me that I am so much more than what I am...
The dough is now probably ready so I better get done with the baking...
Se llaman VACACIONES!!!! Todos las necesitamos, algunos viajamos, otros no, pero TODOS absolutamente TODOS necesitan descansar. Después de todo, se dice que hasta Dios mismo se tomó un día para descansar, ¿acaso te creés más capaz que Él? (ah si yo no creo en Dios pero conozco la mitología, y uso la palabra sin ánimos de ofender, en su mejor sentido)
ReplyDelete