Why I haven't, why I won't.

I was in a hurry yesterday. I had to write, I had to leave for work, life is all about balance. 

I am obsessed, I am a control freak, I somehow think I have the obligation to explain and over explain every little thing I do or say, because if someone gets hurt because of me... well, I have a hard time handling that. And as I sit here wondering what I'm going to throw in my stomach before going to work I feel the needs to say a little bit more about my post of yesterday. 

I read again that nice romantic article about relationships not being for us, but for the recipient of our affection and I agree, I agree to a certain extent. You'll see why.

Love, perfect love, was beautifully described in the First Epistle of Paul to the Corinthians:

"Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not; love vaunts not itself, is not puffed up,

 does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil;

 rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 Love never fails." (1 Cor 13:4-8)

The thing is that I think we, being imperfect, are not capable of having perfect feelings. We get jealous sometimes, we run out of patience, love might not, but we do. Love is a feeling indescribable, whereas to love is a verb and it is performed by imperfect, screwed up humans. 

I don't know about you, but when I fall in love I fall head first, hands tied behind my back, no parachute and no fluffy madrases to land on. I had loved in a way I gave it all, the little I had, in pieces, patched up... but all I had. I loved in a way I put the loved one first, his smiles made my day, the sparkle in his eyes, his small or big successes made me happier than my own, I felt the need to nurture, to take care. I had felt pretty much like that article describes it, but not forever, not to any price, not for free, not for granted. 

So in my case, romantic love is not unconditional, it will never be! 

Romantic love, as I see it, takes a whole lot of work from both parts, it takes talks, sacrifices, effort. Love is not all about giving, it is also about accepting with a grateful heart. Romantic love, as I see it, is a constant negotiation, it is all about the other, only and just when for the other, it also is all about us. I haven't had it great when it comes to love. It's easy to fail, but there is no recipe, only reciprocity. 

I have been said to be strong, to be a fighter, to be ambitious and even some had said I can be perceived as a rather intimidating woman. Well, one does what one has to do, if you can't fight falling head first you better get used to hitting the concrete. And having gotten naked here and now, and having exposed myself as a vulnerable, sensitive, sentimental woman with the heart of a little girl I can only say I cannot love unconditionally, not without bleeding, not if I care, not for my own sake.