No shortcuts

One of the hardest lessons in my life has been, and still is, I'm afraid, learning to allways choose what I want the most over what I want now. We live in a society that is constantly bombarding us with slogans like "carpe diem" and "YOLO" as excuses to live by our impulses. In some respects it is easier for us to stay focused, but when what we want the most is uncertain and filled with wondering and doubt, keeping our sight ahead and continuing unmovable in our path can become more difficult. 

As everyone on earth I have doubts, insecurities, "issues". Resolving them and dealing with them can take a lot of work and effort, hours of reflexion, meditation and introspection.  Since we cannot change what we don't acknowledge -and I borrow that from Dr Phil- becoming self sure and determined can result in a painful trip. When faced with these aspects of myself at the same time I am presented the opportunity to choose between what I want now Vs what I want most, it is no surprise that I stumble and trip and follow the slogan: "you only live once". Well, that's so true, we only live once, then, shouldn't that be a reason for us to stop before taking the cake instead of the bakery, when we really want the bakery, even with all the work it will take? If we only live once, why settling for less than what our souls truly want?

In my case is doubt, what if I am not worthy of what I really want? What if what I really want is a fantasy, an illusion, an impossible, unrealistic dream? What if I do all things right and I don't get it? I am ambitious, I am stubborn, I have to get what I want, preferably right now if not yesterday; no problem is so big I can't solve it, sometimes alone, sometimes with help, sometimes with a lot of bleeding and crying and bruising. I am not a coward, in fact I am a bit of a confrontational woman, even when most of the times I regret it one second after, get insight of what I just did and shake to my inner core. That would be when I secretly panic and go "crap, crap, crap... why can't I just shut up?" Those qualities come quite handy sometimes, but others, when I can't foresee the outcome, when I don't know what's next, when I believe someone's words telling me I have unrealistic expectations and far too high standards, when I'm told I will never have what I wish for in my heart, when I let myself get discouraged... Those times I choose what I want now. 

There is a high integrity on those who don't, a strong sense of security and a great power. Some people would stop and get away before is too late, not usually my case, unfortunately.

I have such an admiration for those people, I feel so blessed when I encounter someone who has the guts to take a step back, make an U-turn and go to square one to start all over, or never take that path again, ever. One thing I would like to teach my girls is that they don't have to settle for less in case they don't find what they desire and deserve, I would like to teach them that for the things that are good, and worthy and rewarding in life, there are no shortcuts. I would like to be able to teach them that it is OK not knowing when or how or if the things they want will come, but that is no reason to make less of themselves.

The one thing that I have learned, -and I better did- is that sometimes we choose poorly, we get on the stream and tell ourselves "oh come on, you only live once, it won't kill you" and we do something very, very stupid, but we have the chance not to do it again, and doing something stupid does not necessarily mean we are stupid. So in my many years I have learned that some of the things I wanted now were not even worth the try, so I didn't and won't  do them again, some seemed to be a faster and more effective way to get what I wanted most, but no, no shortcuts to things of value so instead I ended up losing my chance to get it right, maybe my only chance in life. As for the things I want the most... well, I have succeded with quite a few, to the point of being able to consider myself a happy, blessed, thankful person. The other things, those I still don't have I will probably never get if I keep choosing what I want now just because I'm scared I'll end up with no bakery, not even one cake. So I will have to be confrontational with my fears and insecurities, even if I get panicky and go "Oh my, Oh my what am I going to do now?". For now I can only say that I am thankful and feel so blessed and  I'm so happy to meet people braver than I am who inspire me with their integrity and dignity, and maybe tell them that I truly wish they knew how much they teach me and how much I appreciate them.