First fish down!

I have been studying all morning today, just took a brake at about 12 for 15 minutes of cross trainer and a long warm shower. I didn't pay much attention to anything around the house because I was so much into the subject. Today I read about generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, phobias and psychosis in the elderly... now that I think about it I read a lot! just love psychiatry! it is so fascinating to read about the way our brains work. Whatever... I had been doing that all day and did not pay any attention to the fish tank, just some minutes with the guinea pigs.

The girls came home at four and Emily run to the fish tank and goes "Mom, look how that one is swimming! He is so weird!" So I come closer and I see the poor thing floating and dead.

I had to tell her the truth, so I told her the fish was dead and that death is a part of life. She got sad but not so emotional. She said that, since they are her fish, it was her job to flush the fish away. She was almost solemn in the act, but could not see the poor thing spinning around in the toilet so she closed it before flushing. 

My big, big little girl! I love her so much! It melted my heart when she, later, explained to Olivia that the fish died because it was probably very, very old, but "mostly because he was alive before, and death is a part of life"

Goals for 2012

I hadn't set any goals for this year, I don't use to set goals for a whole year, I kinda take one project at a time but I am not completely happy with how it turned out. I am not trying to say that I haven't accomplished anything or that I am just going with the flow. I have discovered that I am a much stronger woman than i had ever thought me to be and I have also learned that setting the goal of perfection is not only a waste of time but also a waste of all the talents I have been blessed with. I won't get "perfection", none of us will. Life is not and it will never be perfect, it can't be, it's not supposed to be perfect. The perfect family portrait, the perfect husband and wife, the perfect house, the perfect mother and the superwoman who does it all, and to whom all turns out great is no longer my dream. I have learned, maybe a little too late, that a photoshoped image of life looks pretty and tempting, but it gives nothing, not to myself and my personal growth but most importantly, not to my kids and the people I interact with. 

I had never sets goals for the year to come and it probably was because I had the idea that the only acceptable goal in life is perfection... So this year I have decided that I will change that and I will set goals for the year, and have the clear knowledge that things may alter them, that facts that are out of my control can show up, that things may be delayed or even not be reached at all, that I can happen to change my mind one day... and that itself does not set a statement about my commitment to life, about my strengths or about the kind of person that I am. 
So here are my goals for this year:
- spend more quality time with the girls!
- have 150 credits in College by the end of 2012
- getting a drivers licence
- finishing the scrapbooks
- keeping the blogs updated
- using all the nice creams and bath salts and shower gels that I have been saving for "a special occasion", and making every occasion special.
- redecorating the house
- developing and maintaining a healthier lifestyle.
- no dieting.

Back to the routine

Christmas is gone and so is New Years Eve… The turkey turned out great, moist and with lots of flavor. I am really impressed and proud of myself! I also baked a walnut cake and some saffron rolls. Nicklas’ parents came at 3, the turkey was in the oven and all the veggies were ready to go on the pan. We had glögg, raisins, almonds, ginger cookies and the walnut cake. Dinner was ready at 6 and after that came the presents.

Santa does not come to our home; he is so busy that he leaves the presents with magic. I cannot describe the girls’ faces when they came out of the playroom and saw all the presents under the tree… they jumped but it was not enough, they screamed but then again it didn’t help. The excitement came out like sunshine from their eyes… I did not have the camera ready so I will have to rely on my memory for the rest of my life. 

On the 26^th we had my sister Cecilia back for a last visit before she went back home to Argentina. It is quite sad that the girls don’t get to enjoy their aunties and cousins more often… We had a good time, not doing too much but just sitting (and eating) and talking. I am also sad that I am not close to my sisters, not only for the girls’ sake but also my own. My sisters are my best friends and being with them makes me feel secure and comforted. It also makes it easy to give them a hand when they need it, and not being able to be there for them physically drives me nuts sometimes. But it is what it is and we all make the best out of it. Cecilia left the 31^st and the house feels kind of empty, not that she takes so much space! 

We had a wonderful New Year’s party at some friends. I am so grateful for their invitation and the delicious food and great time we had! I am very blessed to have met such great people here. 

It is an Argentinean tradition to make 12 wishes at 12 on New Year’s Eve and I tried to do it this year, too… But I couldn’t think of so many things to wish and that felt so nice!

I now have to start college again and I really don’t feel like it. It is very clear that my brain needs a brake, it is getting harder and harder to concentrate and to get things done and books read… Sometimes I really think about getting a job instead and then I realize that sometimes things look better than they are, sometimes we want (or want to avoid) something now, and we want it so badly that we get completely blind to the fact that by choosing A or B, we are not just picking up one of the options but we are also determining the consequences… so I take a deep breath and I go on, however tired, however fed up, and no matter how small the bank account is… I love nursing and the time will come when I will enjoy the rewards for this brain burnout I am going through.  

So not much more for today because I have to go on reading Public Health Science…   

And a lot to do...

Today the girls are home! Since I am finished with this week's (and the next's) papers for school, I thought we vould stay home the three of us and get ready for Christmas Eve together... cleaning, baking, fixing nails and hair, face scrub and all that. To my sorprise is Nick staying home too! I am not so sure I should get all that excitet about it... I'm just being mean now! 

So the Nilsson Family has officially started their Christmas recess which is nothing like a recess for mum. At least is always fun to work a lot for a party, it's kinda better that the everyday cleaning and washing and cooking.

I am very excited about Christmas, I always am... when I was kid I was obviously waiting for my presents. I never believed in Santa, or at least I have no memories of having believed in him. Since Laura is four years older than me, as soon as she found out the truth (and she was a smart little girl so she knew about it right before her sixth b-day) she came and told me (I was two). I think we all know that when you are a kid and your big sister or brother explains something to you, there is absolutely no way you even think about doubting... I see that in the girls all the time and it is so much fun! So I think I have found the reason for all my troubles... Just kidding! I DO NOT have a psychological trauma with that and I was a pretty healthy and happy kid without believeing in Santa, and I was as excited as any other kid when it came to opening the presents. So I will not delay the truth to the girls, as stupid as it may seem, sometimes I feel I am lying to them and it does not feel nice.

Anyway... therapy aside... I was saying that I cannot wait to see their faces as the open ther presents... I am also a little excited about seeing how Nick reacts to his (some are kinda funny)

No photos today, just a boring post saying that Christmas is so close I can't wait! I LOVE this time of the year! I love Christmas!

She's growing way too fast!

It feels like yesterday she started to walk, unsure and scared... It feels like a week ago I held her in my arms for the first time. I am getting dramatic here, but I got shocked when I saw her trying on her very first figure skates... She is starting next month and I am as excited as her but I cannot stop thinking that time just goes too fast and she is letting go of my hand way too soon.

Dad is also feeling the pain and his wonderful idea was: "Mom, dad and Olivia will also get some ice skates so we can all skate together after your lessons!" Yeah! That really sounds like a lot of fun!

sometimes we just forget...

These last days haven’t been the happiest… I really don’t know why but I have been kind of gloomy. As it usually is the case Cecilia (my little sis, and she will always remain with that title) made me think with something she posted about Latvia and its people. I said that it’s usually the case because my sisters (if it hadn’t been Cecilia it would have been Laura) always come with the right words at the right time.

Sometimes I get caught by a feeling of loneliness or maybe sadness or… I really don’t know how to put it into words. I just have a heavy feeling in my chest, it gets harder to smile and my mind is floating all over the place with no chances to focus on anything at all. Those days go by and things get back to normal again, but I haven’t figured out why they come at all.

My sister’s post and something that a very wise man called Henry Eyring said made me think a lot and I guess I am finding a clue to why those unpleasant feelings come along. My sister mentioned in her post that Latvian people don’t complain, that they remember those difficult days of trial and probation, of hunger and cold and that they just can’t but being thankful for what they have today. Henry Eyring said: “…to be happy and to avoid misery, we must have a grateful heart. We have seen in our lives the connection between gratitude and happiness.” And it usually is the case that whenever I get gloomy, I had forgotten to be thankful.

I thought today about all those things that I often take for granted and what my life would be without any of them, or the people around me, or the tasks that I have to do and the obligations that I have, and the truth is that I found out that I am a much happier person than I thought I was. I couldn’t imagine my life any other way, I couldn’t even think of not having my loved ones in my life… I am simply happy and it is such a shame that I forget about it sometimes.

I am so grateful for my daughters, for Nicklas (even when he complains quite a lot and has this extreme ability to point out the wrongs in life, things and people…), I am thankful for my dad and sisters, for my family and my friends, for the opportunity to study, for my home, for my health, I am even thankful for what I am and even though it felt hard to maintain during a hard time in my life, I am thankful for the faith that I have, and for the fact that though week at times, it never turned off completely.

This Christmas time is a very different one, it is the second Christmas without my mom, but instead of being filled with the pain of not having her, it is being filled with the gratitude for having had her all those years, for having the memories of her so alive in my heart. This Christmas will most certainly not be perfect, and it is OK.

I just wish I could teach myself this lesson properly… When smiles are hiding and the heart feels filled with sorrow, just remember that despite the hard times, the trials, the probation, the difficulties, despite the imperfections of life, or maybe just because of them, you are blessed even more than you can count.

If you're planning to go shopping...

Yesterday the girls had an appointment with the dentist for the annual control. Since the appointments were at 11 and 11:30 I decided that we could take the day off and go to town and do some shopping.

To begin with I have to say that they were such good girls at the dentist! And mom came out really proud after being praised by the “only on Saturdays” policy for candies, sodas and other goodies. I might sound like a cruel mom but I promise that I am actually not that super hard on that… They are allowed to eat some candies on birthdays and other special occasions, like when grandpa or Aunt Cecilia came.  The point is that I was even more thrilled than they were to hear that they do not have holes or plaque or any of that stuff.

After that we went to town and I had my mind set on buying me some clothes and getting their Christmas dresses. Now let me share something with you, if you haven’t already tried it… going to buy yourself some clothes with no other company than a four and a 3 year-old is not such a great idea… you might get lucky and buy something, but it is very likely that you would spend three quarters of the time running after the one or the other… I got so tired!!! but they were so happy with our mom-daughters time and the cute pink dresses they picked up. This is a really nice time for me to see them, they want matching clothes to any price and it is so much fun to see and hear them negotiate until they come up to an outfit that they both like. I will post some photos later on the week.

Myself? yeah, I bought a dress, some leggings and an oversize sweater, but I had so much more to buy! now I have an excuse for going one more time.

One other thing that we got was a Christmas manger… since they have one in kinder they really, really wanted to have a “baby Jesus” and I could not resist since I really think that Santa is kind of over clouding the original meaning of Christmas. Once we had put it up together, Olivia run to my bedroom and took a picture of Jesus that I have in between my scriptures. She came running with a triumphant smile and said “Mom, grown up Jesus has to be there, too”

And this is how they made it.