When patients save nurses.

I can't stop smiling when I read my last post. I am not bipolar! I just have moments of being sick and tired, I write about it, talk about it, think about it, pull myself together and go on.

It would sure be easier to have someone to help me come to my senses right here all the time, a slap in the face, a kick on the butt or just a hug and some kind words. But since that is not the case I have to count on Facebook chat or a telephone call to my best friends in the world -that would be my sisters-, and hug myself and over think and write my thoughts so I can see them out of my head. I recover quite fast.

"The memory of a worm?" Gee I was really frustrated and tired. I still am! I have just taken my dad's advice and tried not to be so sentimental. Not that easy since I have this romantic approach to life, and I am not talking "roses are red, violets are blue" kind of romantic, I'm talking 19th century Sturm und Drang romantic.

The thing with work is solved, I must have best bosses and colleagues ever. The tests for the drivers licence are moved forward. The kids know that Olivia is coming to their parties, my hair is washed and clean and all straightened. The girls got real food with a lot of veggies and I got to work and survived...

It was a whole story before work, as soon as the girls left to their dad's I sat down in the kitchen, put on some music and just burst into tears. I hate it when I cry before work because I have to show up with my eyes all swollen and red and it doesn't matter how much make up I wear, you can tell I've cried! I tried to smile as big as possible and was very ready to say I had an allergy if anybody asked (no nurse in the world would mistake a crying attack for an allergy!)

Anyway... I came in the ward feeling sad, down, blue and tired and all of those things, although not as much as in the morning. I went to say "hi" and "good night" to the patients and met one of my first patients ever. She took my hand so warmly and hard as she looked at me and said "I am so happy it's you today, Sister Lorena! You are just so, so nice! Do you remember me?" Of course I did! She made me smile so big! Her sincere appreciation and the fact she remembered me by my name made me feel so good.

When you work with people sometimes you get all of their anger and frustration, they treat you bad, they scream at you, the threaten you, they pee on you, cough on you... but they also trust you, lean on you, rely on you, depend on you, need you, love you and hate you. And they remember you!

Nurses are said to save lives, and we do, sometimes... But today I want to think about all those times when patients save us, they save us from becoming cold and seeing them as numbers, they save us from focusing on their diagnosis, they save us from losing our tempers, they save us from falling into routines, they save us from ignoring the individuality and the good in each of them, they save us from sadness, boredom, apathy... Patients like the one I met yesterday remind us that ours is a job that requires love and caring. Just as my little Olivia once said to me before I left for work, "mommy, don't forget the feelings", patients like this one come to help us not to forget their hearts.

Come what may, and love it. Or...?

I slept 6 hours Sunday night, I did not wake up once! I got up in a good mood, I listened to music, I danced around singing and fooling around with the kids. We started our little project, a chores chart for the girls to get happy faces when they help around. Yes, I am giving them chores and don't give them a coin for helping, horrible mom? maybe, but they seem pretty excited about it.  Life was good!! 

The night came and the clock became 23:40 and I was awake, 00:30... 01:50 that's when I saw it for the last time before 03:00. I got up, had some porridge and a tea, looked a little on Pinterest, pinned some stuff, went to bed. Look at the clock once again, it was 04:15. "I have two more hours, I can do it!!!" 

The morning came, as it usually is the case, and I jumped from the bed as though it would have been on fire. Yeah, sure thing it was 7:20. The bus! I woke up the girls, made them a toast each and 7:50 we headed to the bus stop. We made it! They were so sweet! They got ready so fast and not one complaint. 

I sit here now waiting so it's time to make all those phone calls I have to make. I am nauseous, my eyes burn, my body aches and my head beats while I feel as though I would be being staved in the stomach. Sometimes I wonder if someone somewhere has made a voodoo doll of me and have their kicks by pinching me a little here and there. 

I start a 4 nights shift today, I haven't read the theory for the drivers licence, I have practice someday in the middle of the week, I have to call and postpone the tests, I have to call to work and see how we can solve the fact that Nicklas is going away on a vacation and I can't work because I can't leave a 5 and a 6 year old alone all night, neither can I take them with me. I have to call three of Olivia's classmate's parents to confirm that she is going to their kid's parties, what else... 

I used to remember everything I had to do, I do not oversleep! I DO NOT OVERSLEEP!! I don't need to write things down, I had never ever needed to postpone a test! I don't forget the pan with oil on the stove! I DON'T, and it may sound funny and all, in fact it kinda was since I was more scared the fire alarm would set on than of the horrible smoke we were breathing. The point is I HAVE CONTROL! I don't forget, I don't burn the food, I don't have a dirty house, I don't oversleep, I don't scream at my children because I am tired, I don't put them in the bathtub for as long as they wish when their are hyper and cranky, I don't feed them junk food because I was to lazy to walk 500 mt to the supermarket, I don't send them to school with a toast in their stomach, I don't miss washing my hair, I don't!! I don't get lazy when a patient needs help, I don't think it's bothersome, I don't forget to call my friends, I don't  leave e-mails unanswered, I don't hurt my friends and screw things up, and yet I did! I did all of that! I am not evil, I am not lazy, I am not unorganized, I am strong, I can, I have to, I must...and yet I did screwed up big time in so many things! 

I like myself very little today... I try to be happy, I try to be thankful and I am! I truly am!!! I just can't seem to get things right! I drove 30 km/h and the instructor had to scream at me "you are on a 50 road! speed up!" and I didn't know what to do... and I open the book and I read for an hour and I have no clue what I read, and the girls call me and call me "Mom can you give me milk? Mom, can you make me a sandwich? Mom, can you plug the IPad? Mom can you call a friend to come over and play? Mom I want to play with a friend! Mom I miss Elise and Filippa, when do they come back? Mom, can you help me with violin? Mom, can you help me find my pearls?" And I just can't do it all, I just want them to be quiet for a while!! And I wanna get away from myself!

I thought I could, I thought I was strong, I thought I had energy and was active, I thought that whatever came I would fix it. I thought I could work nights and have a normal life when I was free and all I am is a lousy mom, a bitchy nurse and a stupid adult with the judgement capacity of a very stupid teenager, and I have the memory of a worm!

And I want to be positive, I want to be hopeful and faithful and kind to myself and others and think before I act and not burning the food, and not oversleeping and not being awake all night! I want to, but I can't. So I have no reflections for today, I can't cheer myself up, I can't think of the bright side, I just can't say "Come what may, and love it" and believe it myself.

Usch!

I woke up angry today. I didn't sleep as much as I wanted to, and though that is completely normal for a full grown adult and specially for a parent, I have been collecting sleepless nights like a hoarder. 

I was mad! I was frustrated, I hated everything and didn't want to do a thing! Even having to pee was a pain in the neck! And of course I wake up to meet two tired kids who also were angry, and lazy. None of them wanted to put on clothes, and I told them once, and I told them twice, three times, four times forcing the sweetest of the tones until I figured that if something would get done I had to do it myself. Got them dressed and practically dragged them down the stairs. And breakfast! Oh dear... And then the hair, and the teeth and the jackets and scarfs and gloves and shoes... EVERYTHING was a battle! 

I snapped! I raised my voice and spited it out "I don't like it either! I hate to have to hurry to the buss, I hate not getting enough sleep, I hate it, OK? It is not your fault, you did nothing wrong but it is what it is, we have to hurry or we'll miss the buss, period!"

I don't get angry at them that often, so when I do they get scared, and they did... And then I felt like the worst mom in the world! What a horrible person I am becoming! I hated everything and myself even more!

It wasn't until we got on the buss that I came to my senses. 

It is hard now, I am tired now, I have too many responsibilities and schedules, I sleep and eat badly, I am anxious about work, the drivers license, the shopping I haven't done since two weeks ago, I have been feeling alone and overwhelmed... I have been there before, It is not that bad, It will be over! The more I think about how hard things are the harder they become. Get up, smile and get it done! I will have to get it done anyway, it's not like I can delegate, so shut up and count your blessings, NOW!

So I started: I have a job I like, I have two healthy, wonderful girls who get tired and overwhelmed themselves, too; I have a roof over my head and can afford food; it is no big deal if I can't do the big shopping, people didn't do big shopping before and they were just fine! I have my slippery driving in an hour, I am going forward! Sure, it is not as smooth and bump free as I wish it would be, but I will make it! I have friends, I have family, I am healthy... don't get enough sleep? do something about it and stop whining! don't get enough to eat? then open your mouth and chew! hungry or not! 

And so it is that I got rid of the anger.

The more we think about how hard things are, the harder they become. 

Hugs...

Today is one of those days when I need a hug, one of those hugs that make me feel I have someone to lean on. One of those long hugs when I can rest my head on a warm shoulder and close my eyes and pretend that all is well.

It wasn't that terrible, it may not even have been bad at all, I should be used to it. I should have gotten stronger, so much stronger and so much wiser...

Today I need secure and firm arms to hold me tight, a hand on my hair and a kiss on my head. Like a little child needs the comfort of a mother, the warm, unconditional and unbreakable protection of a father. Maybe I'm just tired, maybe I'm getting a cold, it could be hormones, but it feels like life.

Today I need a hug.

Things I really wanna do

Today I thought about some things that I really want to do, and obviously before I die. I really never knew why it seems necessary for some people to specify it "Something that I really want to do before I die is..." Whenever I hear someone saying that I have this urge to interrupt them and ask "Do you really, really think you can do anything after you die?" But I don't.

So here is my list of things to do, preferably before I die... If you are expecting things like bungee jumping, swimming with sharks, scuba diving in the Caribbean or eating chocolate covered crickets then I'm definitely going to disappoint you with this post. 

The first four things on my list require some company, someone with enough self esteem and sense of self worth as to not to feel embarrassed and ridiculed by my total and absolute lack of talent, and me sucking big... HUGE time! It has to be someone who can laugh at it without making me feel stupid and someone who enjoys goofy afternoons. And that is the why I haven't done it yet!  And the fifth, well, that would be so much nicer with some company, too.

• I would like to go bowling (no! I haven't gone bowling, EVER in 37 years!! so what?)
• I would like to play mini golf (no, not that either)
• I would like to be on a karaoke party and actually sing! (I would probably need some drinks before that one)
• I would like to take some skiing lessons, or at least try to put on skis.
• I would like to have a three course meal at a nice restaurant, all dressed up with high heals and all.
• I would like to try a sauna some day. 
• I would like to go to Disney 

So lame!!!

On Solutions and Resolutions

And this is the last day of the year. Not quite as I dreamed it would be. The whole year was an unexpected moment after another. 

This 2013 has been long and short, good and bad. It's been a year of sad endings and hard beginnings. It all started with the student thesis, then the last clinical practices, the national final examination, graduation, moving to my new place, starting a new job...

The thrills and the pride of having finished college were so wonderful and satisfying, sharing it with my daughters and my niece was the perfect way to have it. As it is expected it was a little bit sad as well. The well known life as a student, a housewife, a wife... it all ended so abruptly! 

Facing the end of the family life I knew was hard enough on its own, all the questions and the wondering, all those feelings I could not name! In the beginning of the summer I felt naked and abandoned, with my life in boxes and my thoughts elsewhere. Running and fixing and solving the unsolvable and compromising on all and giving up on half of it. Nights alone in a lonely new home, planing and thinking and thinking and planing... "How am I going to do this?", "I don't even have a permanent job, what will I do after September?", "How am I going to heal? Will I ever?"

And time went by and the job issue got solved, and more plans and more ideas and more alternatives. Dealing and compromising, compromising and dealing... I have been naked and alone, insecure, scared, broken, exhausted, and somehow in peace.

As it usually is the case, I met wonderful people along the ups and downs of this year. I have made dreams come true, others have made dreams come true for me! 

And after all I have been through this year I sit here alone, before my New Year's Eve night shift, thinking about all the people around me! My dear friends, my new friends, my dear colleagues, my new neighbors (most of them my new friends) the old friends I met again, teachers and instructors who inspired me and helped me, my family, my loving dear wonderful family! my girls! 

I think it's no as much as what happens what counts, I will always cherish this year because I felt so much love, support and friendship! It is hard, oh so hard for a soul like mine to have to ask for help, to accept it! It feels so unnatural to be the one getting the attention. It feels so wrong! And then I think it was just right. I cannot feel other than gratitude this year.

So Thank you! thanks to all of you who are a part of my life and who, each of you in your own way, bless my life with so much! Thank you all, for all you give and all you gave! 

My resolutions? 

To spend more time doing the things that make me happy, that give me peace, that make me see the beauty around me and in everyone I meet. And, if I don't have the chance to return all I got from all you wonderful people, I promise I will pay it forward!    

Girls like her

Girls like her would wait against the wall at home disco parties. They would watch the guy they like always picking up some other girl. Girls like her waited and waited and danced last, or didn't dance.

Girls like her were called fat, they were called ugly. Girls like her had no secret admirers, so they made up one of their own. Girls like her daydreamed on the way to school, on the way back home, at school and at church, because for girls like her reality was too hard.

Girls like her made far too many mistakes, they did all wrong, they said the wrong words, wrote the wrong texts, play the wrong games, red the wrong books. Girls like her were wrong!

Girls like her did love too, they loved and dreamed and cried at nights because girls like her were never loved back. They knew what love was, or so they thought; love was poems, holding hands, a teddy bear, a bunch of flowers or a single rose. Love was hearing "you look pretty" or "I'm so happy you're my girl". Love was giving it all, love was getting warmth, security, respect, friendship, kisses, hugs, and compliments in return. Oh yeah, girls like her knew all about love! Those kind of girls read Shakespeare and Bécquer, maybe Neruda and perhaps Storni, too. Girls like her knew what love was, but not what it felt like.

And girls like her grow up someday, and struggle and fight and things hardly go right. And they are still called ugly, they are still called fat. So women like her grow leather were there once was skin, and look up, unbreakable! But women like her still cry.