You get what you give... or you don't.

When lighting strikes, darkness vanishes and it is usually a good thing. Light is a good thing. What is not so good is to have the lightning striking right on you. 

I have heard almost all about me, according to people I am weird; funny; nerdy; goofy; intellectual; mature; serious; strong; stubborn; temperamental; a sweet spirit; a good friend; too innocent; a good human being; jealous; needy; a very nice, considerate person; a control freak; a perfectionist; a woman with low self esteem; a confident woman; a happy go lucky, restless soul; the typical "girl next door", and oh so many things! So many flattering things!   

It is also flattering to hear all this empathetic and nice people in my life telling me that I deserve a loving, romantic relationship, someone who appreciates me, takes care of me and stays with me for better or for worse, a friend, a true companion. It is so sweet of them trying to cheer me up, give me hopes and assure me that of course I will get all that some day, because those who wait for something good never wait too long and someone like me sure deserves all that, and even more. 

Didn't get that wonderful love story so far, won't ever have it. Do I think I deserve a nice, loving man who gives me all I've ever wanted and who treats me with dignity and respect? You bet I do! Here's the catch: People get what they get. It has noting to do with what they deserve.

Will I change who I am? NO. People don't change. I will still be nice, loving and caring. I will still be cheerful and taken for a dumb, innocent, easy to fool pink and glitter loving hallmark girl. 

Do I feel angry, sad, lonely, unhappy, miserable, disappointed maybe? The truth is I feel nothing. 

Easter

My dad brought some Easter eggs molds when he was here, and I was so hoping I could finally make chocolate eggs to give away this Easter. I'm afraid there won't be any, not this year either. I have chosen a profession that requires me to work on holidays, weekends, stay later if needed, go to lessons and courses on free days. I sometimes think I have been selfish, choosing my vocation over a normal job where I can be with my own. I surely have, but how could I ever feel this complete without caring for so many? How could I feel satisfied and challenged and this happy if I hadn't the chance to comfort, ease, cure, calm, listen, help, give...? I once heard an old, cold man say that even charity is based on selfish motives, maybe it's true.

And there will be no eggs this Easter.

It was a bad day today, those come a little here and there and they are also over, like everything else. It started with a text message from a stranger at 6:15 am. We finally sent each other texts like for two hours. It was weird! After trying with every trick we both came up to, this poor guy suggests that I call the number I was trying to text and see if the problem was on iMessenger or the number. I got to the right person, but the texts kept coming to this unfortunate soul who woke me up 6:15 to say "good morning! who are you?" All very funny, but maybe not so much when your trust is put under a question mark.

You stupid little thing!

I talked to my girls later, they were happy, they were fine and it made me smile all the way to work. It made me miss them so much it hurt, too ,but I didn't say it, I didn't show it, I couldn't... The last thing want to do is to make them feel that they are responsible for my well being, they can't have such a role, and I have to grow stronger and braver and be fine without them, and probably even hurt until I get used to it.

It was hard at work, one of those days when I can't hold my poker face no more and just show how sensitive I really am. I don't like that, everybody at work tells me how strong I am, how much I fight, how well I cope. Today I didn't care that much though. I wish I was the "iron nurse", the "iron mom", the "Iron Lady" but I'm not. It was really hard working all afternoon after, but I did, one has to do what one has to do. I got disperse every now and then, back to the poker face, deep breath and the day was over.

Easter... isn't Easter about death and resurrection? Maybe I could think about that once again, like I used to, and believe and raise up stronger, braver, smarter. I think I better go study now. Studying is such a break for my thoughts!  

Some people

 I don't think I have so much to tell when it comes to what happens around here. The truth is that life hands out a little bit sugar, a little bit hot chili sauce, a little honey, a spoon of something really bitter (I can't come up to anything but bile right now, but I can't imagine someone having a spoon of it) sometimes even two or three spoons of something really bitter!, and if you really try, you might even find an M&M somewhere along the way. So that is basically what I have been through, eating my spoons and trying to get over the yucky stuff. 

I am feeling good, I have so much energy compared to a few weeks ago. I wanna do things, I actually do them! I don't feel like crying over nothing anymore, I even put on make up, and want to go get me some clothes, and I feel alive! The clothes thing is starting to become a major necessity to this point since I struggle to find something to put on. No, no, no! Do not think I am one of those who has a full closet and says she has nothing to wear just because she can't make up her mind. Please be fair! 80 % of my clothes I bought over two years ago, really! I don't like going shopping for myself, it's a pain in the neck. First I see something I like, then I see the price tag and it's a "heck no!" Or I just don't find anything! I have no clue what to buy! Then I gotta take the girls with me because I am never ever free from work without my girls and I don't have someone to take care of them while I go spend lots of money on myself, or out for a fun night with friends, or the doctor's appointment... So they come with me and Olivia will eventually get all cranky and bored, and impossible while Emily hands me out night dresses to which I have to say no. First because I don't go out at night! When would I wear a night dress? Second because they wouldn't suit me, and third because I don't go out at night, or in the evening, or at noon! So well, I hate buying for myself! Sometimes I think all this phobia for buying clothes has a little bit to do with not being able to pamper myself. I want to, I really want to stop putting myself last, I just don't know how. I wish I could but whenever I try I either spend hours justifying such a wimp or convincing myself that I really needed it and am worth it. I miss the way my mom spoiled me! 

Anyway, I was thinking a little about people and how they affect us even when we don't know it. Some people have this ability to make us feel guilty even when we haven't done anything. Others can make us feel we're never enough. Others, on the other hand, make us want to be better by seeing the good in us, they accept us the way we are and at the same time inspire us to get healthier, wiser, smarter, happier, stronger. I have been thinking about this wonderful kind of people in my life and couldn't pin point what it is they do, maybe they don't really do anything in particular, but it happens that I feel inspired and uplifted by them. 

I hope I am one of those people, one who shows my friends that I accept them for what they are, that I love them for what they are, that I truly, sincerely and honestly wish for their happiness and well being and at the same time give them the desire to be the very best they can because they know I see the good in them. And if I'm not, then I wish with all of my heart that I learn how.

Forget-me-not

The other day I walked through town and saw that they have planted forget-me-not in the flower beds of the park. I thought it was rather peculiar since I had never found them in any store and I have certainly looked for them.

Later that weekend, talking about plants and favorite flowers with a dear friend (mine are white lilies and forget-me-not) I told the story about these tiny, insignificant, blue, five petaled flowers that grow a little bit everywhere. 

When I was in kindergarten my mom used to pick me up and we walked home and talked and played. Everyday in the spring I would pick up a bunch of forget-me-not and give it to my mom. She would keep them all day long and every time I gave them the flowers she would say "Loli, forget-me-not". She used to say they were one of her favorite flowers, but I never knew if they really where one of her favorites or it was the fact that I picked those up for her every day on our private way from school what she actually loved.

As I was looking for a picture for this post I found a page where someone says that this tiny simple flowers come to alleviate the feelings of absence, abandonment and loneliness that we might feel by the loss of someone in our lives. I loved it, because I love the flower and because it will always bring the memories of my childhood and my beautiful mom. I loved it because it made me think that it is those simple, unnoticed little things around us that indeed have the power to ease the pain of goodbyes, of letting go, the pain of having lost someone, the heartache, the sorrow.

So this is why I love forget-me-nots, although they are wild, small, simple and probably insignificant flowers, for me they are one of the most beautiful. 

How much, how long?

Up with you head, smile, stand strong, be nice, be happy, be thankful, fight, don't give up. believe in yourself, do not give up hopes, don't quit trying, don't whine about it, don't waste your tears. You are stronger than you think, God gives the hardest battles to His best soldiers... Believe, be strong, be of good cheers, count your blessings...

How long? How long must one stumble in the dark? How long until one can rest? How much more? How much? 

I'm none of those things! I have none of those things! I can none of those things! But what choice does one have? So up again, and smile and fight, however broken, however weak, however tired, however alone... Up again, mend yourself, help yourself, cheer yourself up, cry you own tears and dry them after.

What if...

What if we wake up tomorrow only with the things we were thankful for today? 

Some of the things I have always admired about my grandma Rosa are her gratitude, her good cheers, her positive attitude about life, her hope so endless!!

Now, she had a very hard life, working since the age of 7 and all the way till over 65. She has always been poor, she has never had a vacation, her life was not a fairy tale, but she seemed to be always living her "happily ever after". 

"Lorena, you have to sing, and dance and laugh. You have to have faith because life is so wonderful, so beautiful. You have to thank God and Life for all you have and be happy!" I still hear her sometimes, with her soft Italian accent.

And she was right, she is right! I used to think "How on earth is she so optimistic and positive, and so happy! She has no reason to be so, her life has been so hard, she has nothing, she still works at 68 for minimum wadges, she doesn't own a house, or an apartment, she has no savings... She has no reason to be this happy and like life so much! 

She probably hadn't, if you measure life like I did, but she was right and I would like to be like her. I think the key lays in what we care about, how much of the good we have we honestly get to see, and how comfortable we are in our own skins. 

I used to dislike myself, I saw myself in the mirror and thought I was no way near attractive. I constantly focused in what I was not, I was not tall enough, not skinny enough, didn't have lips full enough, eyes bright enough, my skin was not flawless, my boobs were not big enough, my butt was not firm enough... the list goes on and on and on... I didn't look like Catherine Zeta Jones, or Cameron Diaz, or Julia Roberts, or whoever. I saw myself as a body that was far too imperfect, I was a body with a soul, a hidden one. I grew up, or got hit by life or who knows what happened... But I feel good with how I look, I know that all of those things I saw in me before are still there (that and the fact that things fall a little with age), and I feel so good to be me! I don't see myself as the world's most beautiful woman, I don't see myself as ugly either... I just don't see myself on those terms anymore. I see myself as a soul with a body, a body to hug my kids, a body to work and care for others, a body healthy enough as to take me through the days and nights, a body to be able to sense, to feel, to taste, but most of all, a body that allows me to give. And suddenly, life became so much better!

I get overwhelmed by problems sometimes, failures, trials, other people's attitudes... well, yeah, things bother me, and sometimes a heck of a lot! So I burst! I cook inside and get all nervous and cranky and angry. So, so angry!! I get frustrated sometimes, because the person I want to be, well.. I am not, yet. And I have this idea that I have to do it all, to endure it all, to fix it all, and I set my goals up to the moon and try to reach them with a ladder and it doesn't work and I deflate, and cry, and cry myself to sleep and forget that I am human. But the moment comes, like this one, when I remember my grandma and ask myself the question "what if you wake up tomorrow with only the things you were thankful for today?" and I start thinking about that, my girls, my family, my friends, my accomplishments, my home, my job, my colleagues, my health, my past, my mistakes, my trials... 

I don't have much, maybe... no car, no house of my own, no savings, no vacations, not a decent wardrobe, not so many furniture pieces, not as many home appliances, not a lot of make up, not a lot of food... But I do have enough, I am not in need of anything! the things I don't have I don't need, I'm doing just fine without them. And when I think a little more I realized I wouldn't be happier if I had them. So I am thankful for having what I have, and being who I am. I would probably like to share my life and have someone to grow old with, since many times I wonder who would I give as "nearest family member" if I have to get hospitalized... Sick thought but hey! that is my everyday... and every time I get an admit and I ask them that question it pops up in my head "G, you are really screwed!" But I don't need someone to make me happy, I don't. I would, although, like to have a special someone to share my happiness with, and my life, and my love.

And I go on with my list of things I am thankful for, and then I sing a little, and then I try to be gentler with myself, because of course things get hard, things are horrible sometimes!, I am so alone from time to time, I feel so unprotected, so defenseless, so scared, so lonely. We all do! And it's fine, it's beautiful anyway.   

So if I woke up tomorrow only with those things I am thankful for today.. well, life will be pretty much the same.  

Spread it Around

I was on Pinterest last night when eating at work. I scrolled down on quotes and got caught by the photo of an old lady who was dressed as though she attended a funeral. I don't know who came up to that, I have no clue if it actually happened, but I liked it so much!

March is not a very happy month since 2010. In fact, in March 2010 I lived the worst moment in my life so far. Every March I remember my mom a little extra, if that is even possible. The first year without her was so hard!, then it became less of a struggle, but a lot of emotions run through my mind when remembering one of the most important people in my life, the way she left, the fact that I wasn't there holding her hand, the way I almost could hear my heart bursting into smithereens with the worst text message in my life. But I don't want to remember her like that anymore, it doesn't feel fair. I want to celebrate her, celebrate her life, become more like her, keep my love for her alive and not as a memory.

My beautiful mom, 19 years old

And so I saw this picture yesterday night, when the ward was in silence and I was starting to get double vision and shaking related to hypoglycemia. 

It goes like this, an old lady asked her husband, who was dying "How am I supposed to live without you?" to what the man answered "Take the love you have for me and spread it around"

OK, at the beginning my Daria brain went all like "Do you expect anyone to believe that a love like that exists, or existed? and on top of that was reciprocal?" then I thought it over, just because we have never owned a Ferrari doesn't mean they don't exist, and that there are no people who actually have one. Then I went over the cynical, negative phase I was into, probably the hunger... and thought that even if that was not true, even when that probably never happened, I liked it, and that's what I so much want to do to keep my mom alive. 

We can't love everybody, that is not human, or I can't I wouldn't know... But you actually don't need to love love someone to make acts of love and caring. I don't think we need to love everyone we encounter in a personal level, but we can express love anyways, love and respect for life, for freedom, for their authenticity, for their being.

I sometimes hear that we are in our rights to treat those who treat us badly, the same way; but that's not what my mom taught me, she taught me that I am expected to treat people like I have to, not like I think they deserve, because the moment I think they deserve this or that, I am judging them and condemning them. 

So even when I am not the female version of Jesus, nor the very virgin Mary, even when I am not even close to Laura Ingalls, I will keep learning from my mistakes and I will keep treating people the way I have to, and I will try to take the love I have for my mom and spread it around.

I am not perfect, I am not good, I am not a good example in oh so many ways! And I am so sorry for all those times I hurt, and all those times I make people disappointed, and all those times I feel sorry for myself, and all those times I am ungrateful, and overreact, and get so mad I say things I don't feel, and all those times people think I don't care, and all those times I contaminate others with my insecurities... I truly am sorry! It takes a lifetime to learn how to live.