Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Emily and Olivia's first Lucia

The 13th of December is Lucia day in Sweden. It's kind of long to explain and there are more than one version of the begining and the meaning of it, let's just say it's a Swedish tradition where kids get all dressed up (some of them like KKK members, which is kind of creepy, others like Santa or Santa's little helpers and others, like my kids, just put on "Lucia's night dress and hold a candle) and sing Lucia songs and xmas carols.
The 13th was Emily's and the 14th Olivia's cellebrations in daycare and of course I had to miss them!!! Why? Because I am a terrible, terrible mother who had to be in College both days!!!
Thanks to grandma and grandpa I have it on DVD and could watch it and cry over and over again the next weekend.
Here are some of the pics.

Friday, December 3, 2010

How much is TOO MUCH?

It's been a long time since I last posted something here... I know, I know... the point was to write about all those everyday details that make life what it is, but somehow I haven't got the time. Not that I "really" have the time now but it's good, once in a while, to forget about all the "must do" and get some time off to do, at least one of the "want to do".
These last weeks have been a nightmare! well I might be overreacting but it feels like that just now. When we consider the funny effect of time we might all agree that in a few months, maybe even a few weeks, this would be another "small stone in the way".
Nicklas has been hospitalized for a whole week whith a pneumothorax that nobody seemed to know why it happened or how to fix. After a week they decided that he needed surgery. It all turned out fine... all except me, I'm affraid...
It felt so overwhelming to be alone with the kids, drop them in daycare, study, run to the hospital, taking the dog for walks, writing essays and having online seminaries to attend, the food, the cleaning, the shopping... I managed because obviously there wasn't any other option.
Oh gosh! I am such a whimp! The thought that any other woman would have done it just fine with no complaints strikes me everyday. But I cannot stop wondering how much is actually too much...
A final to come in just two weeks and I am really absolutely not ready, three days in a raw going up att 4 in the morning to catch the buss and then the train and then endless hours in College.
Sometimes it feels a little bit like a damaged computer batery, the screen keeps on showing "7 minutes left" and the stupid thing keeps on going and going. Will anybody believe that I am actually in the "7 minutes left" period? I am not a superwoman, as much as it hurts to admit it, my too much has come with a body that keeps on going and going.
"I'll rest someday", I keep on saying to myself; "count your blessings", "you never get more than you can handle", "if you save your energies and stop complaining you will have more strenghts to do what you are suppoused to", "it's ok to ask for help", "reconsider your priorities", bla, bla, bla, bla... The machine goes on and on with the stupid unseen message "7 minutes left".