First fish down!

I have been studying all morning today, just took a brake at about 12 for 15 minutes of cross trainer and a long warm shower. I didn't pay much attention to anything around the house because I was so much into the subject. Today I read about generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, phobias and psychosis in the elderly... now that I think about it I read a lot! just love psychiatry! it is so fascinating to read about the way our brains work. Whatever... I had been doing that all day and did not pay any attention to the fish tank, just some minutes with the guinea pigs.

The girls came home at four and Emily run to the fish tank and goes "Mom, look how that one is swimming! He is so weird!" So I come closer and I see the poor thing floating and dead.

I had to tell her the truth, so I told her the fish was dead and that death is a part of life. She got sad but not so emotional. She said that, since they are her fish, it was her job to flush the fish away. She was almost solemn in the act, but could not see the poor thing spinning around in the toilet so she closed it before flushing. 

My big, big little girl! I love her so much! It melted my heart when she, later, explained to Olivia that the fish died because it was probably very, very old, but "mostly because he was alive before, and death is a part of life"

Goals for 2012

I hadn't set any goals for this year, I don't use to set goals for a whole year, I kinda take one project at a time but I am not completely happy with how it turned out. I am not trying to say that I haven't accomplished anything or that I am just going with the flow. I have discovered that I am a much stronger woman than i had ever thought me to be and I have also learned that setting the goal of perfection is not only a waste of time but also a waste of all the talents I have been blessed with. I won't get "perfection", none of us will. Life is not and it will never be perfect, it can't be, it's not supposed to be perfect. The perfect family portrait, the perfect husband and wife, the perfect house, the perfect mother and the superwoman who does it all, and to whom all turns out great is no longer my dream. I have learned, maybe a little too late, that a photoshoped image of life looks pretty and tempting, but it gives nothing, not to myself and my personal growth but most importantly, not to my kids and the people I interact with. 

I had never sets goals for the year to come and it probably was because I had the idea that the only acceptable goal in life is perfection... So this year I have decided that I will change that and I will set goals for the year, and have the clear knowledge that things may alter them, that facts that are out of my control can show up, that things may be delayed or even not be reached at all, that I can happen to change my mind one day... and that itself does not set a statement about my commitment to life, about my strengths or about the kind of person that I am. 
So here are my goals for this year:
- spend more quality time with the girls!
- have 150 credits in College by the end of 2012
- getting a drivers licence
- finishing the scrapbooks
- keeping the blogs updated
- using all the nice creams and bath salts and shower gels that I have been saving for "a special occasion", and making every occasion special.
- redecorating the house
- developing and maintaining a healthier lifestyle.
- no dieting.

Back to the routine

Christmas is gone and so is New Years Eve… The turkey turned out great, moist and with lots of flavor. I am really impressed and proud of myself! I also baked a walnut cake and some saffron rolls. Nicklas’ parents came at 3, the turkey was in the oven and all the veggies were ready to go on the pan. We had glögg, raisins, almonds, ginger cookies and the walnut cake. Dinner was ready at 6 and after that came the presents.

Santa does not come to our home; he is so busy that he leaves the presents with magic. I cannot describe the girls’ faces when they came out of the playroom and saw all the presents under the tree… they jumped but it was not enough, they screamed but then again it didn’t help. The excitement came out like sunshine from their eyes… I did not have the camera ready so I will have to rely on my memory for the rest of my life. 

On the 26^th we had my sister Cecilia back for a last visit before she went back home to Argentina. It is quite sad that the girls don’t get to enjoy their aunties and cousins more often… We had a good time, not doing too much but just sitting (and eating) and talking. I am also sad that I am not close to my sisters, not only for the girls’ sake but also my own. My sisters are my best friends and being with them makes me feel secure and comforted. It also makes it easy to give them a hand when they need it, and not being able to be there for them physically drives me nuts sometimes. But it is what it is and we all make the best out of it. Cecilia left the 31^st and the house feels kind of empty, not that she takes so much space! 

We had a wonderful New Year’s party at some friends. I am so grateful for their invitation and the delicious food and great time we had! I am very blessed to have met such great people here. 

It is an Argentinean tradition to make 12 wishes at 12 on New Year’s Eve and I tried to do it this year, too… But I couldn’t think of so many things to wish and that felt so nice!

I now have to start college again and I really don’t feel like it. It is very clear that my brain needs a brake, it is getting harder and harder to concentrate and to get things done and books read… Sometimes I really think about getting a job instead and then I realize that sometimes things look better than they are, sometimes we want (or want to avoid) something now, and we want it so badly that we get completely blind to the fact that by choosing A or B, we are not just picking up one of the options but we are also determining the consequences… so I take a deep breath and I go on, however tired, however fed up, and no matter how small the bank account is… I love nursing and the time will come when I will enjoy the rewards for this brain burnout I am going through.  

So not much more for today because I have to go on reading Public Health Science…