Monday, March 17, 2014

Spread it Around

I was on Pinterest last night when eating at work. I scrolled down on quotes and got caught by the photo of an old lady who was dressed as though she attended a funeral. I don't know who came up to that, I have no clue if it actually happened, but I liked it so much!
March is not a very happy month since 2010. In fact, in March 2010 I lived the worst moment in my life so far. Every March I remember my mom a little extra, if that is even possible. The first year without her was so hard!, then it became less of a struggle, but a lot of emotions run through my mind when remembering one of the most important people in my life, the way she left, the fact that I wasn't there holding her hand, the way I almost could hear my heart bursting into smithereens with the worst text message in my life. But I don't want to remember her like that anymore, it doesn't feel fair. I want to celebrate her, celebrate her life, become more like her, keep my love for her alive and not as a memory.
My beautiful mom, 19 years old
And so I saw this picture yesterday night, when the ward was in silence and I was starting to get double vision and shaking related to hypoglycemia. 
It goes like this, an old lady asked her husband, who was dying "How am I supposed to live without you?" to what the man answered "Take the love you have for me and spread it around"
OK, at the beginning my Daria brain went all like "Do you expect anyone to believe that a love like that exists, or existed? and on top of that was reciprocal?" then I thought it over, just because we have never owned a Ferrari doesn't mean they don't exist, and that there are no people who actually have one. Then I went over the cynical, negative phase I was into, probably the hunger... and thought that even if that was not true, even when that probably never happened, I liked it, and that's what I so much want to do to keep my mom alive. 
We can't love everybody, that is not human, or I can't I wouldn't know... But you actually don't need to love love someone to make acts of love and caring. I don't think we need to love everyone we encounter in a personal level, but we can express love anyways, love and respect for life, for freedom, for their authenticity, for their being.
I sometimes hear that we are in our rights to treat those who treat us badly, the same way; but that's not what my mom taught me, she taught me that I am expected to treat people like I have to, not like I think they deserve, because the moment I think they deserve this or that, I am judging them and condemning them. 
So even when I am not the female version of Jesus, nor the very virgin Mary, even when I am not even close to Laura Ingalls, I will keep learning from my mistakes and I will keep treating people the way I have to, and I will try to take the love I have for my mom and spread it around.
I am not perfect, I am not good, I am not a good example in oh so many ways! And I am so sorry for all those times I hurt, and all those times I make people disappointed, and all those times I feel sorry for myself, and all those times I am ungrateful, and overreact, and get so mad I say things I don't feel, and all those times people think I don't care, and all those times I contaminate others with my insecurities... I truly am sorry! It takes a lifetime to learn how to live.   

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