What if...

What if we wake up tomorrow only with the things we were thankful for today? 

Some of the things I have always admired about my grandma Rosa are her gratitude, her good cheers, her positive attitude about life, her hope so endless!!

Now, she had a very hard life, working since the age of 7 and all the way till over 65. She has always been poor, she has never had a vacation, her life was not a fairy tale, but she seemed to be always living her "happily ever after". 

"Lorena, you have to sing, and dance and laugh. You have to have faith because life is so wonderful, so beautiful. You have to thank God and Life for all you have and be happy!" I still hear her sometimes, with her soft Italian accent.

And she was right, she is right! I used to think "How on earth is she so optimistic and positive, and so happy! She has no reason to be so, her life has been so hard, she has nothing, she still works at 68 for minimum wadges, she doesn't own a house, or an apartment, she has no savings... She has no reason to be this happy and like life so much! 

She probably hadn't, if you measure life like I did, but she was right and I would like to be like her. I think the key lays in what we care about, how much of the good we have we honestly get to see, and how comfortable we are in our own skins. 

I used to dislike myself, I saw myself in the mirror and thought I was no way near attractive. I constantly focused in what I was not, I was not tall enough, not skinny enough, didn't have lips full enough, eyes bright enough, my skin was not flawless, my boobs were not big enough, my butt was not firm enough... the list goes on and on and on... I didn't look like Catherine Zeta Jones, or Cameron Diaz, or Julia Roberts, or whoever. I saw myself as a body that was far too imperfect, I was a body with a soul, a hidden one. I grew up, or got hit by life or who knows what happened... But I feel good with how I look, I know that all of those things I saw in me before are still there (that and the fact that things fall a little with age), and I feel so good to be me! I don't see myself as the world's most beautiful woman, I don't see myself as ugly either... I just don't see myself on those terms anymore. I see myself as a soul with a body, a body to hug my kids, a body to work and care for others, a body healthy enough as to take me through the days and nights, a body to be able to sense, to feel, to taste, but most of all, a body that allows me to give. And suddenly, life became so much better!

I get overwhelmed by problems sometimes, failures, trials, other people's attitudes... well, yeah, things bother me, and sometimes a heck of a lot! So I burst! I cook inside and get all nervous and cranky and angry. So, so angry!! I get frustrated sometimes, because the person I want to be, well.. I am not, yet. And I have this idea that I have to do it all, to endure it all, to fix it all, and I set my goals up to the moon and try to reach them with a ladder and it doesn't work and I deflate, and cry, and cry myself to sleep and forget that I am human. But the moment comes, like this one, when I remember my grandma and ask myself the question "what if you wake up tomorrow with only the things you were thankful for today?" and I start thinking about that, my girls, my family, my friends, my accomplishments, my home, my job, my colleagues, my health, my past, my mistakes, my trials... 

I don't have much, maybe... no car, no house of my own, no savings, no vacations, not a decent wardrobe, not so many furniture pieces, not as many home appliances, not a lot of make up, not a lot of food... But I do have enough, I am not in need of anything! the things I don't have I don't need, I'm doing just fine without them. And when I think a little more I realized I wouldn't be happier if I had them. So I am thankful for having what I have, and being who I am. I would probably like to share my life and have someone to grow old with, since many times I wonder who would I give as "nearest family member" if I have to get hospitalized... Sick thought but hey! that is my everyday... and every time I get an admit and I ask them that question it pops up in my head "G, you are really screwed!" But I don't need someone to make me happy, I don't. I would, although, like to have a special someone to share my happiness with, and my life, and my love.

And I go on with my list of things I am thankful for, and then I sing a little, and then I try to be gentler with myself, because of course things get hard, things are horrible sometimes!, I am so alone from time to time, I feel so unprotected, so defenseless, so scared, so lonely. We all do! And it's fine, it's beautiful anyway.   

So if I woke up tomorrow only with those things I am thankful for today.. well, life will be pretty much the same.  

sometimes we just forget...

These last days haven’t been the happiest… I really don’t know why but I have been kind of gloomy. As it usually is the case Cecilia (my little sis, and she will always remain with that title) made me think with something she posted about Latvia and its people. I said that it’s usually the case because my sisters (if it hadn’t been Cecilia it would have been Laura) always come with the right words at the right time.

Sometimes I get caught by a feeling of loneliness or maybe sadness or… I really don’t know how to put it into words. I just have a heavy feeling in my chest, it gets harder to smile and my mind is floating all over the place with no chances to focus on anything at all. Those days go by and things get back to normal again, but I haven’t figured out why they come at all.

My sister’s post and something that a very wise man called Henry Eyring said made me think a lot and I guess I am finding a clue to why those unpleasant feelings come along. My sister mentioned in her post that Latvian people don’t complain, that they remember those difficult days of trial and probation, of hunger and cold and that they just can’t but being thankful for what they have today. Henry Eyring said: “…to be happy and to avoid misery, we must have a grateful heart. We have seen in our lives the connection between gratitude and happiness.” And it usually is the case that whenever I get gloomy, I had forgotten to be thankful.

I thought today about all those things that I often take for granted and what my life would be without any of them, or the people around me, or the tasks that I have to do and the obligations that I have, and the truth is that I found out that I am a much happier person than I thought I was. I couldn’t imagine my life any other way, I couldn’t even think of not having my loved ones in my life… I am simply happy and it is such a shame that I forget about it sometimes.

I am so grateful for my daughters, for Nicklas (even when he complains quite a lot and has this extreme ability to point out the wrongs in life, things and people…), I am thankful for my dad and sisters, for my family and my friends, for the opportunity to study, for my home, for my health, I am even thankful for what I am and even though it felt hard to maintain during a hard time in my life, I am thankful for the faith that I have, and for the fact that though week at times, it never turned off completely.

This Christmas time is a very different one, it is the second Christmas without my mom, but instead of being filled with the pain of not having her, it is being filled with the gratitude for having had her all those years, for having the memories of her so alive in my heart. This Christmas will most certainly not be perfect, and it is OK.

I just wish I could teach myself this lesson properly… When smiles are hiding and the heart feels filled with sorrow, just remember that despite the hard times, the trials, the probation, the difficulties, despite the imperfections of life, or maybe just because of them, you are blessed even more than you can count.