Monday, January 20, 2014

Come what may, and love it. Or...?

I slept 6 hours Sunday night, I did not wake up once! I got up in a good mood, I listened to music, I danced around singing and fooling around with the kids. We started our little project, a chores chart for the girls to get happy faces when they help around. Yes, I am giving them chores and don't give them a coin for helping, horrible mom? maybe, but they seem pretty excited about it.  Life was good!! 

The night came and the clock became 23:40 and I was awake, 00:30... 01:50 that's when I saw it for the last time before 03:00. I got up, had some porridge and a tea, looked a little on Pinterest, pinned some stuff, went to bed. Look at the clock once again, it was 04:15. "I have two more hours, I can do it!!!" 
The morning came, as it usually is the case, and I jumped from the bed as though it would have been on fire. Yeah, sure thing it was 7:20. The bus! I woke up the girls, made them a toast each and 7:50 we headed to the bus stop. We made it! They were so sweet! They got ready so fast and not one complaint. 
I sit here now waiting so it's time to make all those phone calls I have to make. I am nauseous, my eyes burn, my body aches and my head beats while I feel as though I would be being staved in the stomach. Sometimes I wonder if someone somewhere has made a voodoo doll of me and have their kicks by pinching me a little here and there. 
I start a 4 nights shift today, I haven't read the theory for the drivers licence, I have practice someday in the middle of the week, I have to call and postpone the tests, I have to call to work and see how we can solve the fact that Nicklas is going away on a vacation and I can't work because I can't leave a 5 and a 6 year old alone all night, neither can I take them with me. I have to call three of Olivia's classmate's parents to confirm that she is going to their kid's parties, what else... 
I used to remember everything I had to do, I do not oversleep! I DO NOT OVERSLEEP!! I don't need to write things down, I had never ever needed to postpone a test! I don't forget the pan with oil on the stove! I DON'T, and it may sound funny and all, in fact it kinda was since I was more scared the fire alarm would set on than of the horrible smoke we were breathing. The point is I HAVE CONTROL! I don't forget, I don't burn the food, I don't have a dirty house, I don't oversleep, I don't scream at my children because I am tired, I don't put them in the bathtub for as long as they wish when their are hyper and cranky, I don't feed them junk food because I was to lazy to walk 500 mt to the supermarket, I don't send them to school with a toast in their stomach, I don't miss washing my hair, I don't!! I don't get lazy when a patient needs help, I don't think it's bothersome, I don't forget to call my friends, I don't  leave e-mails unanswered, I don't hurt my friends and screw things up, and yet I did! I did all of that! I am not evil, I am not lazy, I am not unorganized, I am strong, I can, I have to, I must...and yet I did screwed up big time in so many things! 
I like myself very little today... I try to be happy, I try to be thankful and I am! I truly am!!! I just can't seem to get things right! I drove 30 km/h and the instructor had to scream at me "you are on a 50 road! speed up!" and I didn't know what to do... and I open the book and I read for an hour and I have no clue what I read, and the girls call me and call me "Mom can you give me milk? Mom, can you make me a sandwich? Mom, can you plug the IPad? Mom can you call a friend to come over and play? Mom I want to play with a friend! Mom I miss Elise and Filippa, when do they come back? Mom, can you help me with violin? Mom, can you help me find my pearls?" And I just can't do it all, I just want them to be quiet for a while!! And I wanna get away from myself!
I thought I could, I thought I was strong, I thought I had energy and was active, I thought that whatever came I would fix it. I thought I could work nights and have a normal life when I was free and all I am is a lousy mom, a bitchy nurse and a stupid adult with the judgement capacity of a very stupid teenager, and I have the memory of a worm!
And I want to be positive, I want to be hopeful and faithful and kind to myself and others and think before I act and not burning the food, and not oversleeping and not being awake all night! I want to, but I can't. So I have no reflections for today, I can't cheer myself up, I can't think of the bright side, I just can't say "Come what may, and love it" and believe it myself.

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