And a lot to do...

Today the girls are home! Since I am finished with this week's (and the next's) papers for school, I thought we vould stay home the three of us and get ready for Christmas Eve together... cleaning, baking, fixing nails and hair, face scrub and all that. To my sorprise is Nick staying home too! I am not so sure I should get all that excitet about it... I'm just being mean now! 

So the Nilsson Family has officially started their Christmas recess which is nothing like a recess for mum. At least is always fun to work a lot for a party, it's kinda better that the everyday cleaning and washing and cooking.

I am very excited about Christmas, I always am... when I was kid I was obviously waiting for my presents. I never believed in Santa, or at least I have no memories of having believed in him. Since Laura is four years older than me, as soon as she found out the truth (and she was a smart little girl so she knew about it right before her sixth b-day) she came and told me (I was two). I think we all know that when you are a kid and your big sister or brother explains something to you, there is absolutely no way you even think about doubting... I see that in the girls all the time and it is so much fun! So I think I have found the reason for all my troubles... Just kidding! I DO NOT have a psychological trauma with that and I was a pretty healthy and happy kid without believeing in Santa, and I was as excited as any other kid when it came to opening the presents. So I will not delay the truth to the girls, as stupid as it may seem, sometimes I feel I am lying to them and it does not feel nice.

Anyway... therapy aside... I was saying that I cannot wait to see their faces as the open ther presents... I am also a little excited about seeing how Nick reacts to his (some are kinda funny)

No photos today, just a boring post saying that Christmas is so close I can't wait! I LOVE this time of the year! I love Christmas!

She's growing way too fast!

It feels like yesterday she started to walk, unsure and scared... It feels like a week ago I held her in my arms for the first time. I am getting dramatic here, but I got shocked when I saw her trying on her very first figure skates... She is starting next month and I am as excited as her but I cannot stop thinking that time just goes too fast and she is letting go of my hand way too soon.

Dad is also feeling the pain and his wonderful idea was: "Mom, dad and Olivia will also get some ice skates so we can all skate together after your lessons!" Yeah! That really sounds like a lot of fun!

sometimes we just forget...

These last days haven’t been the happiest… I really don’t know why but I have been kind of gloomy. As it usually is the case Cecilia (my little sis, and she will always remain with that title) made me think with something she posted about Latvia and its people. I said that it’s usually the case because my sisters (if it hadn’t been Cecilia it would have been Laura) always come with the right words at the right time.

Sometimes I get caught by a feeling of loneliness or maybe sadness or… I really don’t know how to put it into words. I just have a heavy feeling in my chest, it gets harder to smile and my mind is floating all over the place with no chances to focus on anything at all. Those days go by and things get back to normal again, but I haven’t figured out why they come at all.

My sister’s post and something that a very wise man called Henry Eyring said made me think a lot and I guess I am finding a clue to why those unpleasant feelings come along. My sister mentioned in her post that Latvian people don’t complain, that they remember those difficult days of trial and probation, of hunger and cold and that they just can’t but being thankful for what they have today. Henry Eyring said: “…to be happy and to avoid misery, we must have a grateful heart. We have seen in our lives the connection between gratitude and happiness.” And it usually is the case that whenever I get gloomy, I had forgotten to be thankful.

I thought today about all those things that I often take for granted and what my life would be without any of them, or the people around me, or the tasks that I have to do and the obligations that I have, and the truth is that I found out that I am a much happier person than I thought I was. I couldn’t imagine my life any other way, I couldn’t even think of not having my loved ones in my life… I am simply happy and it is such a shame that I forget about it sometimes.

I am so grateful for my daughters, for Nicklas (even when he complains quite a lot and has this extreme ability to point out the wrongs in life, things and people…), I am thankful for my dad and sisters, for my family and my friends, for the opportunity to study, for my home, for my health, I am even thankful for what I am and even though it felt hard to maintain during a hard time in my life, I am thankful for the faith that I have, and for the fact that though week at times, it never turned off completely.

This Christmas time is a very different one, it is the second Christmas without my mom, but instead of being filled with the pain of not having her, it is being filled with the gratitude for having had her all those years, for having the memories of her so alive in my heart. This Christmas will most certainly not be perfect, and it is OK.

I just wish I could teach myself this lesson properly… When smiles are hiding and the heart feels filled with sorrow, just remember that despite the hard times, the trials, the probation, the difficulties, despite the imperfections of life, or maybe just because of them, you are blessed even more than you can count.

If you're planning to go shopping...

Yesterday the girls had an appointment with the dentist for the annual control. Since the appointments were at 11 and 11:30 I decided that we could take the day off and go to town and do some shopping.

To begin with I have to say that they were such good girls at the dentist! And mom came out really proud after being praised by the “only on Saturdays” policy for candies, sodas and other goodies. I might sound like a cruel mom but I promise that I am actually not that super hard on that… They are allowed to eat some candies on birthdays and other special occasions, like when grandpa or Aunt Cecilia came.  The point is that I was even more thrilled than they were to hear that they do not have holes or plaque or any of that stuff.

After that we went to town and I had my mind set on buying me some clothes and getting their Christmas dresses. Now let me share something with you, if you haven’t already tried it… going to buy yourself some clothes with no other company than a four and a 3 year-old is not such a great idea… you might get lucky and buy something, but it is very likely that you would spend three quarters of the time running after the one or the other… I got so tired!!! but they were so happy with our mom-daughters time and the cute pink dresses they picked up. This is a really nice time for me to see them, they want matching clothes to any price and it is so much fun to see and hear them negotiate until they come up to an outfit that they both like. I will post some photos later on the week.

Myself? yeah, I bought a dress, some leggings and an oversize sweater, but I had so much more to buy! now I have an excuse for going one more time.

One other thing that we got was a Christmas manger… since they have one in kinder they really, really wanted to have a “baby Jesus” and I could not resist since I really think that Santa is kind of over clouding the original meaning of Christmas. Once we had put it up together, Olivia run to my bedroom and took a picture of Jesus that I have in between my scriptures. She came running with a triumphant smile and said “Mom, grown up Jesus has to be there, too”

And this is how they made it.

When planning does not work out...

I was supposed to read all the articles today, and if I had enough time I would read statistics... But it really does not work that well to have all figured out. Olivia had fever all day yesterday and so she had to stay home... I can manage to write the blog and that is nice, but it is absolutely not quiet and peaceful enough as to read for school. Don't misunderstand me, I am not trying to make all this into a great drama, it feels kind of nice to have a excuse to avoid the boring reading of the day... although that might mean that I won't be able to go that much ahead as to have a free week by Christmas.
I got the kitchen ready with the x-mas decoration and I love it! It is not much as you can see in the photo but I am well pleased, I didn't want it to be too much. This year Nicklas wants to skip the traditional Swedish Christmas dinner and he suggested that we had turkey instead... LOVELY, but that means that I have less than a month to learn how to make a turkey since I had never ever made one. We'll see how it all turns out... I am planning to bake quite a lot so we don't end up starving if the bird turns out dry and uneatable. Ladies and Gentleman... what I am going to do this Christmas has only one name: TRUE LOVE!
Shall I explain a little bit about the photos? yeah, yeah, I gotta do something or I would feel like I threw  the day away... No chances to play with Olivia because believe it or not, she is just laying on the couch... and talking (that she even does in her sleep, really!) which just gives me the clue that I won't read that much tomorrow either.
The little Santa's helpers and the angels I made by myself... the idea was to make it together with the girls but since I had to sew and then use the glue gun, they assisted by giving me the parts and playing with the ready ones.  
The candle I decorated by myself, you probably know the technique but just in case, all you need is a cute paper napkin, a candle and a spoon. You cut off the motif in the napkin and peel of all the paper layers until you get with the thin tissue with your picture, then you place it on the candle, warm up the spoon and carefully slide in over the drawing. You keep on doing that until you have a layer of paraffin all over you pic. Done! I put some star anise, cinnamon, and other whole Christmas spices all around, and the orange which the girls made. 
I will probably go on doing some stuff today and try to get Olivia to help me... Some saffron or cinnamon rolls would also be fun, and yummy. Meanwhile I hope she takes a nap so I can read a little... If not, I will have to have it ready by the second deadline and deal with the fact. You cannot do it all, but you can certainly do all you can.

They just had to pose!

Just go back to basics

Today I thought a lot about how easily we lose focus… in our daily races against the clock, getting the kids done for school, getting the papers ready, cleaning on time, dinner, the shopping, what’s missing in the fridge? Was the deadline this week or the next? What was I expected to write about? When are the bills due? Getting to work, getting the job done, picking up the kids and trying to squeeze out an hour to “relax” on the sofa and have a meaningful talk with our spouse… and there went one more day, and so it goes the week and soon it is Saturday and there are piles to wash and dry, and toys to pick up and the house to be cleaned again… and there it went the weekend… Is life supposed to be that?

And one morning we get in the shower and we check our weight and we found that the scale has gone mad! Because we did NOT have those 4 pounds there last week, so we have to train and lose two sizes and skip the muffins that we baked…

And so it happens that we find a new wrinkle, and we start wondering if we maybe wouldn’t have to change our anti-aging cream because this one that we bought was no better than Crisco shortening…

Or maybe we decide that a few hours overtime won’t kill anybody, and they don’t… they just go fast and we don’t even notice it… except for when it’s time to go to bed and we are far too tired to even yawl…

I think far too many times we just get lost… we become a thing, an agenda, a home appliance… but not any appliance, we become one striving to look like a model, too!

And so it was that I started to think about what I really want, what kind of a person do I really want to become, what is it that I want to be remembered for? How do I want to influence the lives of those around me? What am I willing to sacrifice in order to show them my love, in order to care, to support, to lift up?

The person that I so much want to become does not come with a vacuum cleaner attached, it most certainly does not pose in the cover of a magazine or walk down the red carpet in Hollywood… it is fine for those who want that, but I truly don’t.

I started to realize that for so long I had forgotten all those things that give me strengths, that make my heart be filled with warmth and love, I forgot all those things that make me who I am, and only because of that, make me special.

Sometimes in life, I think (and that is a very, very humble “think”) that we need to come back to the basics, to those things that made us who we are and made us feel that life is simply wonderful. It might mean that some trunks need to be open, or photos looked at, or long lists need to be written… It might mean that we must silence the noises around us and just listen to that tiny little us who is screaming inside… it might mean that we need to stop analyzing and revolving around theories and news, and facts, and cars, and clothes, and bills, and meetings and work and just look for the warmth, the peace, the love, the nourishing that we once found.

In the everyday rush I wish I could see how lucky I am to be able to take care of my children, when the chapters to be read are far too many, I would like to remember that I can read, and have the books, and that they might look like a bunch of pages, but they are more than that… in the food to prepare I would like to enjoy the taste and smells. In the inevitable process of aging and gaining pounds I would like to understand that together with the years come those long relationships that we have taken care of over the years and are now strong and beautiful, it comes the wonder of having seen the little ones around us become lovely young women or men, with aging comes also the sad lost of dear ones, and it is with aging that we make them a part of us, as living as we are…

Sometimes I lose focus, we all do… and when I do, I think it is a good thing, to just come back to basics…