Wednesday, April 16, 2014


My dad brought some Easter eggs molds when he was here, and I was so hoping I could finally make chocolate eggs to give away this Easter. I'm afraid there won't be any, not this year either. I have chosen a profession that requires me to work on holidays, weekends, stay later if needed, go to lessons and courses on free days. I sometimes think I have been selfish, choosing my vocation over a normal job where I can be with my own. I surely have, but how could I ever feel this complete without caring for so many? How could I feel satisfied and challenged and this happy if I hadn't the chance to comfort, ease, cure, calm, listen, help, give...? I once heard an old, cold man say that even charity is based on selfish motives, maybe it's true.

And there will be no eggs this Easter.

It was a bad day today, those come a little here and there and they are also over, like everything else. It started with a text message from a stranger at 6:15 am. We finally sent each other texts like for two hours. It was weird! After trying with every trick we both came up to, this poor guy suggests that I call the number I was trying to text and see if the problem was on iMessenger or the number. I got to the right person, but the texts kept coming to this unfortunate soul who woke me up 6:15 to say "good morning! who are you?" All very funny, but maybe not so much when your trust is put under a question mark.

You stupid little thing!

I talked to my girls later, they were happy, they were fine and it made me smile all the way to work. It made me miss them so much it hurt, too ,but I didn't say it, I didn't show it, I couldn't... The last thing want to do is to make them feel that they are responsible for my well being, they can't have such a role, and I have to grow stronger and braver and be fine without them, and probably even hurt until I get used to it.

It was hard at work, one of those days when I can't hold my poker face no more and just show how sensitive I really am. I don't like that, everybody at work tells me how strong I am, how much I fight, how well I cope. Today I didn't care that much though. I wish I was the "iron nurse", the "iron mom", the "Iron Lady" but I'm not. It was really hard working all afternoon after, but I did, one has to do what one has to do. I got disperse every now and then, back to the poker face, deep breath and the day was over.

Easter... isn't Easter about death and resurrection? Maybe I could think about that once again, like I used to, and believe and raise up stronger, braver, smarter. I think I better go study now. Studying is such a break for my thoughts!  

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