Sunday, April 27, 2014

If people can't do something...

My dad i s a very wise man, sometimes his wisdom can be mistaken for cruelty, specially when you haven't come as far as he has in the way of life. He is a kind man, the nicest man I've met. Never saving nothing, everything for his family, he gave everything to my mom, to us. No phone call is too late in the night or too early in the morning, it's never too much of a mess to pick up someone with the car or drive someone somewhere, it never takes too much of an effort to help someone. He saves nothing, he's a giver. But he's wise and as much as I, the rebel daughter in the middle, wishes to prove him wrong, he hardly is.
He used to say: "If people can't do something, they shouldn't do it" Hearing that as a little girl stopped me from fighting and trying and making my best effort in, for example, sports. It put a tremendous pressure on me for getting things right, specially if I enjoyed them. It got me a little screwed up, to be honest. He never meant wrong, and now I know what he was talking about all this time. 
As I grew up my desires to prove my dad wrong grew stronger, being the stubborn butt I am. I tried to do things I sucked at, over and over again. I didn't get any better. I have spend time collecting a bunch of experiences that could prove his theory wrong. I have been cursed with a sensitive heart, a very developed right hemisphere, feeling way too much empathy, reading people's body language to the minimum detail, feeling the unity and energy around me in a very strong way. At the same time, my left hemisphere, the analytic, logical one, steps in and tries to decode all those impressions with the scientific method. So I analyse, over analyse, think it over, make experiments, connect all those impressions as they were numbered dots in a kid's activity book so I can get the picture clear. You can't make logic out of feelings! One of my hemispheres has to die! When the right one is in charge, people take me for a stupid Barbie girl, when the left one takes command, people take me for an insensitive, arrogant, know it all. Why am I not seen as the complex screwed up human being that I am? 
I have been looking back at my life since last Tuesday afternoon. People shouldn't do what they can't do. I can study, studying is easy! You read, you remember. As simple as that! You don't know something, you look for it in a book and you learn it! Science is easy, you don't need to feel, you don't need to deal with emotions, you only need to connect factual dots. I am good at that!. So I am going to do what I'm good at, and I'm going to hit the books again. No University because I can't afford it, but some day I'll get my PhD in medical science. 
I can cook, I can craft, I can give and serve. I'll do that then, no emotions attached. Giving your life away can be such a distraction! 
 If people can't do something, they shouldn't do it, and not being able to do something is no reason for being unhappy. Get happy with what you are, enjoy what you can do, see the good in that, just stop trying so hard to make up the life you can't get. Get real!

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